


Dancing Through Chaos (also known as The Adventures of Evee Trevelyan)

by Twiggzy



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Death, F/M, Gen, Mild Blood, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 08:59:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3723013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twiggzy/pseuds/Twiggzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sheltered and protected her whole life the youngest Trevelyan child longs for adventure and freedom. Little does she know her life is about to change forever as she travels to the Conclave with her twin brother James.</p><p>In the chaos that follows it will be up to Evee to forge alliances that will shape the future of Thedas, but she won't be able to do it alone. She's going to need friends as well as allies, but can she afford to let herself give in to a growing desire for something more than friendship with the leader of the Inquisitions forces?</p><p>*Contains game spoilers (all three games) and romance spoilers*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Journey to the Temple

**Author's Note:**

> In a world were so many decisions need to be made I found myself asking what might motivate my characters, this has come from that questioning. Welcome to my first attempt at this kind of writing!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evee has always been sheltered- but under the protection of her twin brother she has been allowed to attend the Conclave. It is a long journey and both welcome a quick stop in the village of Haven- but they can sense the heaviness in the air. As glad as they might be reunited something tells them it may not be for long

Evee dismounted and shook herself off, these clothes weren’t remotely practical for riding but of course mother had insisted that if she was going to attend the Conclave with James she would be going as a Lady and not a huntress. She unclipped the hooks that had kept her skirts round her waist while she rode and let the skirts fall, hiding the riding trousers that were so unbecoming of a noble born lady such as herself. She tugged at the tight sleeves and considered removing the hat that had been firmly clipped on to her head, hiding all of her crimson hair. She heard the sound of galloping hooves and stopped what she was doing to look at the Templar who was approaching, as he pulled his horse to a stop next to hers he looked down at her with mock disbelief.

“You must tell me how you ride so quickly side saddle _Lady_ Trevelyan!” He said with a smile as he dismounted.

“It’s easier than you think when you’ve got idiot noble men telling you about how simply splendid they are at hunting and how wonderful they are in general. I couldn’t stand it another moment- and you were no help at all James!” She continued to tug at her sleeves, why was all this fashionable nonsense so uncomfortable? She remembered that she had been about to remove her hat when she had heard James approaching and decided to continue but he reached for her hands and pulled them down laughing.

“Now now Evee, mother specifically said you had to keep the hat on until you had been able to bathe and get the maids to make your hair pretty!” He laughed again, their mother had never been as protective of him and although his path had always been chosen it was one he enjoyed, she had never had the same luxuries. Originally she was to enter Chantry life as a Sister and eventually a Mother; that had all changed after an accident that had nearly claimed her life. She had been protected and shielded from the world, only really encountering her family and her servants, and although she had been well trained in everything a noblewomen needed to know she had never even really experienced noble life- its parties and fete’s all deemed too dangerous for the youngest Trevelyan. She groaned at her brother and rolled her eyes.

“So this is Haven?” She asked him as someone came to take the horses to be watered.

“I believe so, a lot more soldiers here than I expected” James frowned as he looked at the clusters of tents just outside the gates of the small village, the last stop on the journey to the Temple of Sacred Ashes.

“Just think, the Hero of Fereldan came here, she killed all the cultists and saved the Arl of Redcliff!”

“Yes, and I hear she even has a secret pet griffon that she rides around; when she’s not busy being the Queen of course” James teased, ever practical he didn’t believe all of the stories of The Warden, and although he was a devout Andrastian he didn’t believe that a sprinkle of ashes had worked as a miracle cure. They walked through the gates and were directed to the Tavern. She continued to pull at her uncomfortable clothing and he continued to mock her for it; she was closer to her twin then anyone in the world, but that didn’t stop them from mercilessly mocking the other.

They purchased some supplies and decided to buy a small drink each, settling in the corner she looked around. Most of the people here were Templars and soldiers, gathered in clusters talking amongst themselves. One man sat alone surrounded by papers, he wore a cloak with a fur collar over his armour and she spotted a scar across his mouth. She wondered why he was alone, how he had got the scar; she watched him closely but turned away quickly when he looked her way. She pulled the lace veil from her hat over her eyes-another thing her mother had insisted upon. She would be allowed to reveal herself when they arrived at the Temple, but in the meantime she was to hide the features that gave away her identity. Hidden underneath a particularly Orliasian hat where the two things that most obviously marked her as the youngest of the Trevelyan twins, a mass of crimson curls and unusual violet eyes. It didn’t make sense to her really, surely the fact she was being escorted by James would give her away? Nevertheless she would follow her mother’s rules this time; if she wanted to be let out of her gilded cage this was the price.

“Evee?” Her brother’s voice broke in to her thoughts, and she was glad of it. She would of course never admit it to James but she was glad to be reunited with him, she had missed him terribly ever since he had left home to join the order. When they were younger they had come up with all sorts of plans to stay together when they moved on to their Chantry roles, she would be a sister serving a Circle, maybe he could be the kind of Templar that served at a Chantry- anything to stay together. He was her best friend and she loved him dearly. “Are you off in your own world sister dear?”

“Better than being in yours darling brother” she smiled with a wink he couldn’t see. They talked of being younger, all their plans and even dared to make new ones- things for after this horrible war. They joked but both could feel the tension in the air, the Conclave was a last chance to fix things and if it failed only more danger, blood and chaos could follow. Neither wanted to reach the end of their glass or the end of their journey. Her eyes flicked occasionally back to the man sitting alone working, although she could tell he wasn’t working now; he had been looking at that same piece of paper for as long as she’d been here and she had heard him laugh once or twice at her conversation.

As more people entered the Tavern James signalled that it was time to leave, the soldiers they had seen outside were starting to file in and a noble woman in a gold ruffled dress entered accompanied by a woman in a cloak, they joined the man with the scar. She dragged her feet slightly unwilling to leave Haven, or was she merely unwilling to reach the Temple? They continued to talk and laugh as they walked through Haven and out towards the stables- for a moment they were young and invincible again but both knew it couldn’t last. They retrieved their horses, she rode side saddle as she had been instructed and he rode more slowly in order to stay beside her. Somehow it felt like the longest journey she had ever made.


	2. The End and the Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James encourages his younger twin to go out hunting for the second time since their arrival at the Conclave. What starts as a simple tracking exercise leads to a pretty strange night in the forests and wilderness between Haven and the Temple of Sacred Ashes

She knelt silently in the snow closely examining large padded paw prints. The snow was still lightly falling so these tracks were fresh. She listened to the sound of the wind through the trees but heard nothing else- she was alone and she was a long way from the Temple now. Deciding it would be a good idea to gain a better idea of her surroundings she chose a sturdy looking tree and pulled herself up through the branches until she could see over the top. The Temple lay in a valley and although she couldn’t see it anymore she could make out the well-travelled road towards it, in the other direction she could see small columns of smoke which she assumed would be coming from the chimneys and camp fires of Haven- the only other area of civilizations for days and days around. The journey between the Temple and Haven wasn’t a particularly long one and could probably be done in a couple of hours on foot traveling on the pilgrim’s road, but that wasn’t the road she would travel, it was the wilderness that had beckoned her and she would remain in the forests.

Sitting on her perch she watched the world as twilight began to descend. She knew she should go back but she also knew she probably wouldn’t be missed. James would tell anyone that asked that she had a headache and had retired to her room for the evening and everyone would believe him; the Trevelyan’s after all were famous for their devotion and integrity. In truth she found the Conclave unbearably suffocating, for the second time since arriving she had had to surround herself in the freedom of the hunt; alone in the wilderness she could be herself. She wanted to talk to the servants and the elves and the mages and Templars as equals, and she couldn’t understand how that could be bad. She couldn’t stand the scrutinising glances or the false sympathies- she especially couldn’t stand all the prying of those wishing to unlock the mystery of the enigmatic and rarely seen Trevelyan daughter. She had smiled and kept silent for days but a particularly persistent young noble man from somewhere in Fereldan had threatened to break the façade her mother had spent years honing; the occasionally literal mask that all nobility wear around one another. The fool and his constant advances, combined with the way he mocked her for acknowledging, and even thanking, servants had been the initial cause of her growing irritation; the last straw had come when he had been particularly cruel about an elven child. Somehow sensing his sisters bubbling anger he had appeared as is from nowhere just in time to rescue the young man from his sister’s fist.

“If you hit him mother will find out and it will be another decade before she lets you out again. Your bow has mysteriously reappeared in your room go and do whatever it is you do out there to calm down and I’ll see you tomorrow morning”

“I don’t have to be back before nightfall?” She had asked, her voice still heavy with frustration

“Well of course you do, but I’m on patrol duty tonight and so I’ll never know.” He had winked at her in an attempt to lighten her mood. She hadn’t felt happy about the idea of him on patrol- it seemed like a pointless exercise that the Knight-Captain had put in place to antagonise the mages, to remind them of the Templar presence and what it should be like, how it would be when the mages were inevitably forced back in to their circle prisons.

“Be careful James”

“Evee I’m always careful! You need to stop worrying so much, I’ll be fine and I’ll see you tomorrow at breakfast” He’d ruffled her hair and hugged her a little longer than usual. He hid behind his armour and strength but she knew he was tired of all this, of the politics and the fighting and she knew he was well aware of the dangers that could separate him from his family all too soon. The Conclave was a difficult place to be, separated from the reality of the rebellion but bitterly reminded of it every moment- whenever she parted ways with her brother it somehow felt like it could be the last time. Tears stung at her eyes again, she hadn’t come out here to dwell on such things, she had come to clear her mind and to snatch just a moment of freedom. She carefully descended from the branches of the tree, landing gracefully on the ground. She found the huge paw prints and decided to track the beast, if these prints were indicative of size than the wolf would easily be the largest she had encountered.

She chased its trail through the forests and the wilderness, she had picked up the first signs of tracks at the edge of the valley and had followed them as they got closer and closer to Haven, a curious creature that it would move from one hub of civilization to another, normally wolfs avoided the places where they might encounter people. She lost herself in finding the beast, they were the only beings in the world and they were intrinsically connected as hunter and prey, but which was which? She tracked it as it led her through the dense trees and deeper in to the forests, sometimes she felt they were following each other in circles, that the beast knew it was being followed and was toying with her, leading her in one direction and then suddenly another to see if she could keep up. Sometimes she almost felt like she could sense it watching her.

She was close now and she could feel her heart beat in time with the wind and the earth, she stalked the beast in to a clearing and found it sitting and watching her. For a moment terror gripped her- she had never seen any wolf like it, large and black with intelligent eyes. It seemed to watch her with interest, head tilted slightly to the side. With her arrow poised and ready she knew she could kill it instantly if she had to; she hoped it would not come to that. In the cold and crisp air they both remained still and silent, watching the other. If it had intended to kill her it would have done so already. She lowered her bow, just slightly, almost believing for a moment that the wolf understood the gesture. Behind her she heard branches breaking and quickly swung around raising her bow again in the direction of the sound. Suddenly she wasn’t alone in these woods with the beast she had followed to the outskirts of Haven. She looked behind her back to the giant wolf but it was gone, and it had left no trace at all. The hair on the back on her neck prickled at the impossibility of it; she still felt as though she was being watched.

There was a long walk back to the Temple but she was ready for it now. The cold air and the incredible hunt had revitalised her, and she felt ready for whatever else might come her way. She could hardly wait to tell James about it in the morning, to thank him for this opportunity to escape. That’s when she heard it—the sound of heavy feet on the forest floor, the sound of a wolves howl. Through the trees she saw a figure in armour, there was something familiar about the fur lined cloak that was wrapped around the man- had he not been in the inn in Haven? He fumbled as he walked, tripping and clutching at his head. Curiosity gripped her, but more than that- she knew the sound of wolves hungry and on the hunt, and she recognised that a disorientated man, no matter how well armoured, was easy prey. She pulled her hood over her head, she could go unnoticed when she desired and so from the shadows she followed his progress. Clearly he was in distress, he would often stop, hitting out at the trees or calling out in anguish.

“Makers breath I cannot endure it!” he yelled to the moon. She moved closer, considering revealing herself and offering assistance for whatever it was that ailed him. Concealed in the shadows she watched hesitantly. He fell to his knees as a large and hungry looking wolf approached him, appearing from out of the darkness. He moved his hand to the hilt of his sword but didn’t draw it. His hand fell to his side. He would let the beast kill him? She drew her own weapon and pointed it at the wolf, moving from out of the trees. The wolf snarled and prepared to claim its prey as she loosed her arrow, killing it instantly. The man stared at the dead wolf before looking up to his saviour, her face was concealed but she could see him clearly in the moons light- the lost look in his amber brown eyes pulled at something inside her, making her heart stop for just a moment.

“I… Thank you I…” his voice was hoarse. He stood up and walked towards her, instinctively she backed away and back in to the trees. A gust of wind snatched the hood from her head and threw red strands of hair across her face. She turned and ran in to the night, she ran until she reached the pilgrims path, and she wasn’t even sure why she was running from the strange man. The path was bathed in the moonlight and she followed it a while, she would need to be quick if she wanted to be back before the servants woke.

What a strange night. Strangeness seemed to cling to the air. She left the path again, choosing to enter the Temple a way she knew would be mostly unused. It had been an interesting, tracking a wolf so large he could have been the Dread Wolf himself and saving a lost soul in the woods; all in a few hours. It seemed almost too quiet now in that time where night is almost becoming morning. Something intangible made her feel uneasy. Surely she should have had to avoid a patrol of guards or Templars by now? She crept through the halls listening for any signs of life. Suddenly a shout reached her ears. Someone was calling for help. With no thought she broke in to a run towards the sounds of struggle, bursting through the door

“What’s going on here?”

Then darkness. Green fog clouded everything. Running. Screaming. A strange light. A stranger reaching for her. Nothing.


	3. A hill with a view

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since waking up in a damp prison under Haven's chantry Evee has barely had a chance to catch her breath. She went from being the prisoner blamed for the Breach to the Herald of Andraste- the only one that might be able to save Thedas from the rifts. As expectations and the hopes of the masses are piled upon her she finds herself floundering, unable to sleep she escapes Haven's walls to take a moment to catch her breath- but it turns out she isn't alone in the woods tonight. Perhaps that is exactly what she needs.

The candles were all burned out and the cabin was in darkness. Outside there was silence, something Evee already knew was rare in Haven. She was trying but she found that sleep wasn’t coming to her. For hours she had lay in the bed staring at the ceiling, she was shaking too much to move and exhausted from crying but still sleep stayed away. Perhaps because whenever she did close her eyes her mind was filled with memories of the place where the Temple of Sacred Ashes had once stood- of the way that the bodies of those who had been too close to the blast had seemed to turn to stone, their terror immortalised in the strange red rock.

Outside that door were people who counted on her, who venerated her even! They called her the Herald of Andraste, the messenger that would lead them through the chaos in this dark and uncertain time. It was going to be up to her to convince the chantry to support them, it would be her that would have to find allies and fight for justice in the name of the Inquisition. What would those people think if they saw her now? She had to be strong for them but inside she felt so broken and lonely. Most of her life had been spent in her parent’s estate, her closest friends and allies had been her brothers and the servants. By the time she was 10 she had lost one brother to the Circle and her dearest twin to the Templar order, leaving only her eldest brother Benjamin. She had been heart broken when he had agreed to go and fight in Fereldan at the Battle of Ostagar, even more so when he never came back. It seemed strange that her whole life she had wanted more freedom, to be allowed to be around people and now she had both- and it terrified her.

She told herself that James was still alive somewhere out there, that his patrol had led him far from the Temple and he had been safe from the blasts reach. She would do whatever it took to find him; knowing he would do the same for her. She tried to think back to the night itself, although she found doing so gave her a strange headache, she distinctly remembered being shocked at the lack of guards and how easy it had been for her to sneak back in, perhaps something had drawn them away. He had to still be out there somewhere. _Maker let him be out there somewhere._

She took a deep breath, and then several more, attempting to calm herself. So much had happened and she was having significant difficulty trying to come to terms with it all. She didn’t know how to be the Herald, she didn’t know how to talk to so many different kinds of people, she didn’t know how to cope with the all-consuming pain of not knowing what had happened to James. She did know what she would normally do when she began to feel frustrated or lost.

She put on the armour Harritt had crafted especially for her, still impressed with every aspect of it; the Inquisition certainly seemed to have an eye for talent. She grabbed the bow and quiver she had found on her way to the Temple with Cassandra and snuck from her cabin. She climbed a tree with branches that overhung on the other side of the fence in order to avoid the few guards that stood by the gate and made occasional patrols, luckily she had at least a little practice from all those years sneaking out of the family estate. A safe distance from the camps outside she broke in to run, and once she was safely among the trees she stopped to catch her breath, smiling slightly at the feel of the cool breeze on her face. She didn’t have to be a Trevelyan or a Herald or anyone but Evee in the wilderness, if she laughed or cried it was alright because not a soul was around to judge her. At least that is what she had expected.

She pulled an arrow from its quiver and held it ready to shoot, she wasn’t hunting for prey, she wasn’t hunting at all, but she had encountered wolves in these parts before and would be ready if they caught her scent. She wandered a while, climbing up the hills around Haven until she found one with a perfect view out over the village itself, dropping some caltrops to protect her from wild animals she lowered her bow and just sat and watched.

It was dark, a few fires still burned but not many, the main source of light was the chantry that was always lit by braziers. The way the moon shone through the Breach cast strange green shadows across parts of it that changed as the clouds moved- it was beautiful if a little eerie. She sat and tried to sort out the events of the past week and a half. Had it really been 11 days since she had passed through Haven with her brother? How had everything changed so quickly? She knew the amount of time she had spent unconscious probably contributed to the speed at which everything seemed to have happened; while she had been trapped in nightmares Cassandra and Leliana had irrevocably set cogs in motion that would lead to her becoming a permanent member of this Inquisition. She wondered how her mother and father must be feeling knowing she was the heretical Herald of Andraste at the centre of an order condemned by the Chantry. She still wasn’t sure how she felt about it, although a part of her knew that at this point her feelings on it barely mattered- it was already bigger than she was. Why did it matter anyway? Surely the tear in the sky that spat demons at innocent people was a bigger issue than what people believed about her?

Behind her she heard the crunch of a branch under foot, she grabbed her bow and hid herself in a shadow to see who had wandered in to the wilderness after her

“Lady Herald?”

“Commander Cullen? Don’t move!” Evee stepped out of the darkness with a sigh, he was standing in the midst of a dozen or so little iron spikes that she quickly gathered from around his feet. She looked up and noticed he was staring at her strangely. She knew she hadn’t known him long but she liked Cullen, she knew he had spent some time guarding her while she recovered from closing the first rift, his had been one of the voices that had found its way to her while she was locked in her own mind, pulling her back to reality. Why was he here? Why was he looking at her like that? She pulled the hood from her head and ran her fingers through her crimson hair.

“I.. I didn’t mean to disturb you, I was down by the lake when I saw you up here.”

“Why were you by the lake?”

“I couldn’t sleep” He smiled awkwardly and rubbed the back of his neck. “I thought maybe you were having the same problem?”

Evee chuckled and shook her head slightly, she had successfully snuck from the keep but had been found by a wandering ex-Templar because she had decided to rest somewhere with a view—all of this excitement was taking its toll on her vigilance. She sat down again, bringing her knees up to her chest and returning her gaze to Haven. The Commander came and stood close to her, shuffling from one foot to the other uncomfortably.

“You can sit down Commander”

“Are you sure? I don’t wish to intrude Lady Herald”

“I’m sure, but please don’t call me Herald” she sighed as he sat down next to her. They remained silent for some time, although she sensed that this was a temporary state while he decided on what it was he wanted to say. Every so often she would feel his eyes on her and then he would clear his throat as though about to speak, she wondered if words would ever follow.

“If you don’t mind me asking my Lady, why don’t you wish to be called Herald?” His voice was soft, and his tone gentle. He was almost a complete stranger but she knew that he, like many of the others in Haven, worried about her.

“I barely know how to be Evee, I’m not sure I can handle trying to be the Herald right now” her voice was barely a whisper and she was surprised that she wanted to give this man an honest answer instead of hiding behind humour.

“Oh.” He looked intently towards Haven. “I’m sorry my Lady but I’m not sure I understand.”

“Commander Cullen, I’m curious, what do you know about me?” Stretching her legs out she looked at him, watched him flounder for an answer and found it upset her that he couldn’t answer more quickly.

“I know you are the only one that can close those damned rifts” He said, searching her eyes to see if that was the answer she was looking for. It wasn’t.

“You have the famous bard and hero of the fifth blight as your spymaster, there must be more than that!” she responded curtly. Cullen blinked at her and then frowned slightly.

“I know you are the youngest child of Bann Trevelyan of Ostwick. I know you have three older brothers” he looked away from her then and his voice dropped slightly “I know you _had_ three older brothers. The oldest Trevelyan died at Ostagar and the second joined the circle of magi, but was made Tranquil…” His voice trailed off completely, he looked at Evee, concerned that his words might be hurting her.

“Anything else?” her voice was distant. It didn’t surprise her that everything he knew about her was actually about her brothers.

“I know at the age of 8 you were pulled from your schooling at the chantry and were rarely seen publically after, with the exception of visiting your brother James. I know he was an exceptional Templar and you were very close. I know you could put him in his place with a few words and I know that you have continued to try and locate him since you awakened in our prison.”

Evee looked at him, eyes wide with surprise. He was right of course, and some of what he had said was fairly common knowledge- other things required someone to actually notice what she had been doing. He smiled slightly, presumably at the look of shock on her face. Somehow it seemed to give him more confidence, he must have sensed that he was verging on what it was that she wanted or maybe needed to hear.

“I know you are remarkably clever and I know that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know you are exceptionally talented with a bow and I know it was you... I mean you were out here that night and you… _Makers breath_.” He stopped talking and frowned, he’d caught himself saying too much again. Evee tilted her head slightly, looking at him intently, searching his faced for what he had been about to say. 

“I what, Commander?”

“You killed the wolf” He whispered to his feet. She knew it had been him she had rescued from the jaws of a wolf the night of the disaster, but how could he know it had been her? How strange that the Maker had caused them to cross paths again; and in such a dramatic way.

“How do you know that?”she asked curiously. Cullen chuckled to himself and looked up at her, he moved his hand towards her before quickly pulling it back and rubbing the back of his neck.

“You know I was sure I could remember that shade of red” He said nodding to her crimson hair, “but I wasn’t sure until I saw you with your hood up holding a bow just now. It was you then?”

“It was” she looked at him, strange that not so long ago she had found him broken and tried to help, now it seemed he was returning the favour.

“Thank you, Lady Trevelyan”

“Please, call me Evee”

“Thank you, Evee” he said smiling at her. It was dark but she could swear he was blushing.

“Any time, Commander”

“Please, call me Cullen”

“Any time, Cullen” they caught each other’s eyes and laughed. It felt good to laugh with someone, it felt like so long since she had been able to.

“Will you allow me to escort you back to Haven Evee?” The Commander said rising to his feet and offering a hand to help her up, she took it and smiled

“I suppose it is time I got back and tried to get some sleep, I’m supposed to be travelling to the Hinterlands tomorrow.” He smiled down at her, he was very tall in comparison to her tiny form. She really did like Cullen, somehow she felt like she could be herself around him, even if she didn’t know who that was yet.

“Cullen can I ask you something?” She said keeping hold of his arm, he nodded at her and she turned her eyes to the Breach “Do you think I can do this?” Cullen put his other hand on hers, just for a moment causing her to look back at him.

“Evee I know you can”

 

 


	4. Death and dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When approaching the Crossroads leads Evee and her companions in to the middle of a fight between the rebel mages and rogue templars Evee has only one option- join the battle. As she struggles to come to terms with taking the life of another person her fellows argue about how she is supposed to respond to such an act. The biggest comfort comes to her after she had cried herself to sleep.

It was like being in a dream, she watched herself speaking to Mother Giselle, heard her words but somehow it wasn’t really her. She was still on the road that led down to the Crossroads, her feet were still glued to the spot where she had first heard fighting, the clash of steal and the unmistakable sound of magic rushing through the air. She was still watching as Cassandra and Solas tried to reason with the Templars and the Mages. She was still watching as Solas threw a barrier around her to defend her from an incoming spell. She watched as Varric shattered shields with bolts and Cassandra fought back maddened men determined to have her blood. Her fingers still trembled as she loosed an arrow that found its mark between the eyes of a Templar who was running, sword ready, straight for Solas. She heard herself scream as he crumpled and fell to the floor. The rest was darkness, a hazy blur tinged with red. Had she shot more arrows? Had she killed more men and women after that? She wasn’t even sure how she had ended up speaking with the Revered Mother, or how she seemed so calm and collected as she did so. She heard herself recount the conversation to Cassandra, who suggested they go and speak with Corporal Vale. She allowed Cassandra to lead the way until they came to a place where fresh bloody bodies still lay. Then she wasn’t watching anymore. Then everything came crashing and tumbling around her. Her body shook uncontrollably as she sobbed and vomited, allowing her companions to lead her back to their camp.

“The recruits shouldn’t see her like this Seeker”

“I know Varric. Go ahead, get rid of them.”

Her eyes and her throat burned and her hands were bloody from where she had fell to the floor in what had been a battle field not long enough ago. She caught sight of them and let out a wail, breaking from the supportive arms of Solas and Cassandra as she ran towards a bush and began vomiting afresh.

“We should have done more to prepare her for what we faced.”

“What would you have had me do Solas?”

“I am not blaming you Seeker” He sighed, unclipping his water skin from his belt and walking towards the distressed Herald. He gently placed a hand on her back and tried to encourage her to take a drink.

“She’ll need something stronger than that Chuckles” Varric said as he came round the corner “The camp is clear, let’s get her up there. Time to fly Butterfly!”

“I’m not a Butterfly” Evee managed to whisper between heaving and sobs “I’m a monster”

“No you’re not, now come on” Varric spoke softly as he put his arm around her waist, guiding her with the help of the elf towards their camp. Cassandra followed silently behind, examining her own blade as they went. It was only a short journey and when they arrived they guided her to the mouth of an opened tent where they encouraged her to sit down.

“Hey Harding, can you get us some water to clean up?” Varric shouted over his shoulder to the only person left in the camp. She dutifully disappeared to fulfil the request, leaving only Evee with her three companions gathered round. No one spoke, they let her cry until the water arrived. Cassandra wordlessly helped Evee up and towards the bowl. Dutifully she plunged her hands in to the cool liquid and scrubbed at her hands, a little too viciously- the tears continued to stream down her face, marking their path by revealing clear pale skin on her dirt marked face. She lifted her hands from the water, they were clean but the water was tainted with blood. Letting out a frustrated scream she hid her face in her hands and turned towards the tent, throwing herself down in to it. Burying her face in the furs she continued to shake and wail, at least she wasn’t being sick anymore. No one spoke, they just waited close by- watching and guarding. Occasionally they managed to discern words. Mostly “How?” and “Maker forgive me” more than once she called for her brother. Eventually the exhaustion that only such sorrow can cause took hold of her and she sobbed herself in to a broken sleep.

It was almost dark when she was finally cohesive enough to be aware of the world around her. She sat up and scowled at the green mark on her hand that lit the tent around her. She felt marred by it, blamed it for the scar she felt across her soul, the emptiness that taking the life of another person had caused. Her head ached and her violently emptied stomach growled. She could hear whispering outside the tent and the crackling of a fire. The thought of eating made her feel sick all over again, the thought of facing them was worse. She decided instead to listen- too broken to conceive moving.

“She isn’t a child Varric!”

“No Seeker she isn’t, but she isn’t one of your soldiers either!”

“She’s a hunter is she not? Surely you of all people can appreciate her skill with a bow”

“She hunts animals Cassandra, and even then she uses every part; indeed her methods are almost elven. Can you imagine her loosing one of her arrows without cause?” Solas’ voice was calmer than the other two, Evee noted as she buried her head back in the furs, slowly soaking them with silent tears.

“She _had_ cause!” Cassandra growled

“Don’t you have a soul Seeker? Can’t you remember your first kill and how you felt?” Evee flinched as Varric said the word kill and gulped back an audible sob.

“Blood mages who would have killed me and many more. I did what I had to do- as I always have”

“But you were prepared no? You had gone through training to prepare you?”

“I was Solas, what is your point?”

“She hasn’t been. She has barely been allowed outside and now we expect her to save Thedas as if it should come naturally to her.”

“What would you have me do? Allow the refugees to suffer while we coddle the Herald?”

“I would expect you to have a heart! That kid has been through so much already and you people haven’t given her time to adjust, time to recover, Andraste’s nickers you haven’t given her time to mourn her brother”

Evee was vaguely aware that they continued to talk but she was drowning in her sorrow again and couldn’t discern what they said.

* * *

 

Evee’s hands dripped with blood, more blood than could possibly have come out of one man. She looked around at the bodies piled up around her, the way the corpses all seemed to look at her, pointing to her and marking her as guilty. The mark on her hand glowed red, she wasn’t sure if it was simply soaked in the blood of those she had slain or if it had changed colour. A large black wolf walked among the bodies, watching her as it went. She considered raising her bow to kill the beast but she knew it would not hurt her and so she let it be.

“You won’t kill the wolf?”

“It means me no harm, why would I kill it?”

“You surprise me again Herald” Solas walked closer, looking at her as though he was trying to solve a puzzle.

“You shouldn’t be here Solas, I don’t know if I’m safe” She backed away from him, looking at her bloodied hands. As she stepped backwards she tripped on the outstretched arm of a dead mage, Solas grabbed her arm as she began to fall and steadied her. The wolf growled.

“I’m not afraid of you” He said with a bemused chuckle. “In all this darkness you seem to be missing the bigger picture.” He waved his arm and suddenly she wasn’t in a blackened cave, light surrounded them and she could make out the bodies more clearly. “Look past them Herald”

Ripping her eyes from the dead she looked up and realised that she was in a village. Children played, oblivious to the death and destruction meters away. Men worked gathering food and herding sheep, woman were wandering around the town, talking to merchants and each other in the sunshine.

“I don’t understand” Evee sniffed, she couldn’t believe these people couldn’t sense the death that she felt clung to her.

“Walk with me” The elf said indicating that she should follow, the wolf followed close behind. As they walked people turned to her and waved. One child ran to her and reached up, begging to be lifted. She looked at Solas who nodded, just the hint of a smile playing at his lips, dutifully she gathered the child in to her arms as the little girl giggled and buried her face in Evee’s hair.

“Herald!” Called an unfamiliar man, waving for her to come closer. She did as she was told.

“Can you believe it? Months and months since any bandits tried to raid the village! Thank you for what you’ve done, the children are safe to play outside and we know we can feed our families without fear of mage or Templar attacks.” He took the child from around her neck, throwing the girl in to the air with a hearty laugh.

“I helped?”

“Look around you! This is all because of what you’ve done”

She looked, things _did_ seem good here. She looked at Solas who smiled and waved his hand through the air again- changing the world around them as he did so. She didn’t recognise their surroundings but they were lush and green, flowers and herbs sprung up everywhere and birds sung above her in the trees. The wolf that had followed her in dreams since she had first seen it in the forest in her waking world flopped in the grass.

“The road you travel isn’t an easy one Herald, sometimes difficult things must be done, and difficult decisions must be made”

“But why must I be the one to make them?” She asked, sitting down beside the wolf, curling her knees up to her chest.

“Some believe you are chosen” Solas offered. She looked up at him and then down at her mark, the blood was gone from her hands now. She flexed her fingers and examined the mark a little more closely- in her dreams she could see the green glow of it flashing in her veins. She sat silently, considering his words.

“Thank you” Solas said, kneeling in front of her.

“What for?” She asked, looking in to his blue eyes, uncomfortable that even here in her dreams they seemed to search her for something.

“Many make their first kill in self-defence, your arrows were fired to protect me. Perhaps that is the sort of hero you will be? It shall be interesting to see.”

The wolf at her side yawned and stood up, she watched it walk away and as it did the dream slipped away too, leaving her in an empty and dreamless sleep.


	5. The Crossroads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evee is given a choice- go back to Haven or go back to the Crossroads. One is safe and almost familiar, the other could plunge her head first in to a very different world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and to those who have left kudos! As always comments and criticism is very much welcome. I'm writing this as a play through the game (again) so it may be a little while until the next chapter is up.

“Butterfly?” Varric’s voice was soft and close, he had pulled open the cover of her small tent and was letting in light and all the smells of dawn. She sat up, hiding her face behind a crimson curtain of wild curls. “You should eat something, why don’t you come and have some breakfast?” Evee nodded but didn’t speak- she wasn’t sure she could.

She looked around her, her furs and her face were wet with tears and her hair was matted. She reached for her pack and took out a small hair brush, dragging it roughly through her tangled mane. A tiny bowl of water was pushed through the cover of her tent by unfamiliar hands, grateful she washed her face, clearing dirt and tears and kohl from her eyes and cheeks. She considered reapplying the kohl but the thought of facing her own reflection was too much to bare right now. She took a few deep breaths as she tried to gather her thoughts and wits, ready to face her companions. As her groggy mind cleared dreams of the night before came flooding back to her, dreams of walking with Solas through villages and glades. It was just a dream of course but it was somehow more real than any other she’d experienced, in fact it had even offered comfort.

“Good morning Herald” Solas greeted her, smiling sympathetically.

“Herald” Cassandra nodded.

“Hi! Here’s your breakfast!” sang scout Harding, handing her a plate of bread and cheese and patting the space beside her. Dutifully Evee took a seat, although she didn’t respond to any of their greetings.

“I expect you wish to return to Haven?” Cassandra’s tone was harsh; but she was right, Evee didn’t want to stay here. She nodded, still not looking up from behind her hair. “I... understand” Cassandra sighed and stood up “We shall leave once we have replenished our supplies then.”

“Will you accompany us to the Crossroads?” Solas asked, suddenly very close to her. She looked up at him, his eyes seemed to sparkle with an unknown secret, he almost looked mischievous.

“I... I don’t know” she managed to croak, the words scraping at her throat as she spoke them. She looked away again, returning her attention to her plate. She wasn’t sure if she could handle bread so instead lifted the cheese to her mouth and nibbled the corner. Solas sat down beside her.

“Thank you” he said quietly

“What for?” she asked, keeping her eyes fixed on the floor while she pecked at her small block of cheese.

“Many make their first kill in self-defence, your arrows were fired to protect me. Perhaps that is the sort of hero you will be? It shall be interesting to see.”

Evee looked up at him, wide eyed- shocked by just how familiar his words were. He smiled at her as she struggled to find a response. It was absurd to think he could have known what had occurred in her dreams and yet it seemed too strange to be mere coincidence. She couldn’t help but wonder what else in her dream may ring true with reality. She looked around at everyone then, finding a strength deep inside her that she hadn’t expected. 4 pairs of eyes found hers, they all watched her carefully and expectantly.

“I... Where have the Inquisitions men gone?” she noticed that her travelling companions and Scout Harding where the only people here, despite the many tents dotted around their main camp.

“They’re around Herald, scouting and gathering supplies and such” Harding spoke softly

“I’m… I’m sorry” Evee said, looking intently at her feet again. She was ashamed. Ashamed that she had killed a man, ashamed she had fallen to pieces so spectacularly while they had all fought so valiantly.

“Do not be” Cassandra said, Evee looked at her, _really_ looked at her, she had expected the Seeker to be disappointed, perhaps even disgusted but she couldn’t see evidence of either in the woman’s hazel eyes.

“What Cassandra means is we get it, we’ve all been there” Varric said, handing her a skin of water.

“Bandits trying to rob the farm and set fire to the barn” Harding said, looking off in to the distance.

“Carta” Varric added bluntly.

“Blood mages” Cassandra interjected folding her arms across her chest.

“Slavers” Snarled Solas. Silence fell over them again as each of them thought back. Eventually Solas looked at her and spoke “Do you know what they have in common?” she shook her head. “They would have killed us first. They probably would have gone on to harm others. You may have killed people, but you saved many more lives.”

“The refugees at the Crossroads will have been grateful for a safer sleep last night” Harding smiled as she stood up and walked towards the little ledge that would have looked over the settlement if it had not been for the trees

“There is still much to do until they are safe however” Cassandra said, finally sitting back down.

“Does it get easier?” Evee asked, her voice shaking. She looked around all of them but Solas was the only one among them who met her eyes.

“Easier would probably be wrong, but you learn to accept that you must do it to save others. These men make themselves beasts with their actions- it is regrettable but we have a duty to act because we have the strength and skill to do so.”

Evee considered his words, taking time to process them. She had always been gifted with a bow, perhaps this was why the Maker had granted her that gift. She agreed to go with them to the Crossroads.

* * *

 

They were hungry, cold, frightened and they needed help, of that much she was sure. There was desperation here but she saw something else too, when they looked at her there was just the smallest ember of hope. She didn’t know what she believed about herself but she knew that these people believed she could help.

“Cassandra?”

“Yes Herald?”

“Can I really help? Can I really make a difference?”

“You can, but it may not always be easy- the rebels threaten the refuges as much as the cold does” The taller woman looked down at her, Evee knew what she really meant- she was telling Evee she would need to draw her bow against more than just demons and beasts. She looked around her at the people gathered together, all afraid and all in need of something she had the skill to offer.

“I want to stay. I want to help.”

“As you wish Herald” Cassandra said. Her tone was cool but the smile that occasionally played around her eyes finally made it all the way to her lips.


	6. Honey wine and honeyed words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varric convinces Evee to have a drink, and then a few more! It turns out Evee is just a little bit of a flirt when she has alcohol in her system

Haven seemed busier every time Evee and her companions returned from their journeys. There were more recruits training outside the gates, more of Leliana’s scouts scattered around in small groups talking amongst themselves and more people, just normal people, looking for a cause to protect them and something to believe in. Evee smiled at them as they pointed and waved to her, she was used to getting attention on the odd occasion she attended public events, her father was well loved by the people in his Bann, and his tragic and mysterious daughter was a favoured topic of gossip and speculation. This was refreshingly different- these were people _she_ had helped, people discussing actual acts rather than imagined traumas and defects.

She had returned from Orlais a few days previously but was already preparing for another excursion in the name of the Inquisition, people had gone missing in the storm coast, and finding them would tie in nicely with meeting the Iron Bull and his Chargers. She was dreading it, the idea of the coast, the water, terrified her; a deep seated fear that had plagued her in her waking and sleeping hours since she was 8. Adan had mixed several little posies for her, a concoction of Embrium, Arbour Blessing and Prophets Laurel aided sleeping by keeping nightmares at bay- a concoction she had invented almost by accident several years ago. She packed a few away and hoped they would see her through the journey. She sat down on the wooden stool in her small cabin and picked up the lute that had been put there by Josephine, strumming idly at the strings she watched the fire in the brazier dance. A knock at the door made her jump.

“Butterfly, I’m heading to the inn, do you want to come? I’ll teach you how to bluff like a pro” Varric said with a wink as he wandered in to centre of the room.

“No thank you, I don’t think I’m ready to go in to the inn yet. Memories and all that” Evee said, continuing to pluck at the strings as she gazed out of the window.

“Well how about we make a compromise, we can drink in here!” He grabbed one of the bottles that had been gathering dust on her shelf, two clean tankards and sat down next to her.

“You know I don’t think I’ve ever had a drink just to have a drink. Mother says it’s not proper! I think she is just worried I’ll turn in to my Great Aunt Ava who likes it just a little too much”

“Well well Butterfly, we will have to change that!” He replied, pouring the honey wine in to the tankards. Evee sniffed at the golden liquid and made a face, Varric laughed and raised his drink to her before gulping it down. She took a tiny sip, found it wasn’t unpleasant and drank more.

* * *

 

“Evee look, I brought us more friends from the inn!” Varric bellowed as he strutted in to her cabin with more alcohol, followed by a giggling Sera and the young man who had brought the message from the Iron Bull.

“Friends!” Evee giggled, enjoying the effects of the alcohol

“Now this the boss would love!” said the Charger, who Evee couldn’t remember the name of, as he leaned against the wall.

“It’s all good yeh?” Sera said, throwing herself on Evee’s bed and laughing. Varric poured more drinks as Evee spoke to Sera, most of what Sera said made very little sense, and Evee wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or simply the elf’s way of talking that was so confusing but she liked listening to her, she decided to tell her as much.

“I think I’m going to enjoy having you around Sera” She said with a wink and a giggle

“The _Lady_ Trevelyan is a cheeky one” Sera snickered, falling backwards against the wall as she laughed.

“I like your hair” Evee said turning to the Charger, “but Makers Breath I can’t remember your name!”

“Call me Krem, your worship” He said, the corners of his mouth turned up in a smile

“Krem. And you’re a mercenary? What’s that like, Krem” She said, over pronouncing his name as she leaned forward in her chair towards him.

“The boss is good to us m’lady, it’s just one big happy family that is occasionally paid to do crazy things.”

“Like join the Inquisition?”

“Trust me m’lady, this wouldn’t be the weirdest” He said chuckling.

“Did you hear that Varric, We’re _not_ the weirdest!”

“I heard Butterfly, I just can’t believe it” Varric laughed as he topped up her drink.

“Makers Breath it smells like a brewery in here!” the open door had attracted attention and Cullen and Cassandra stood in the doorway, Cullen’s nose was wrinkled as he spoke, Cassandra stood slightly behind, arms crossed and expression stormy.

“Cullen! Cully Wully? Did you know Cullen that Varric calls you Curly?” Evee said, looking up at him smiling and ignoring the frown on his face

“Cully Wully?” Sera repeated throwing her head back and laughing “Oh that’s good!”

“Is the Herald… drunk?” Cullen asked walking towards her and taking the tankard from her hands, he lifted it to his nose and sniffed “Makers breath what is this?”

“I assume you are to blame for this dwarf?” Cassandra said glowering at Varric who continued to giggle away to himself.

“Uh-oh! Big mouths in trouble!” Sera laughed.

“I suggest you all return to your own quarters” Cullen said, opening the window of the cabin and pouring the remainder of the liquid from Evee’s cup.

“Spoil sport” Sera said as she and Krem existed without making eye contact with the Inquisitions higher-ups.

“She needed to relax, to stop being a symbol and be a person for just a little while” Varric said, crossing his arms and mirroring Cassandra’s body language. Cullen filled a clean cup with water and gave it to Evee. He sat down opposite her to make sure she drank it.

“Do they make you take vows?” She asked looking at him as she raised the glass to her lips “I promise to watch all the mages!” She giggled, gestating wildly. Cullen chuckled slightly before turning to Cassandra.

“We are going to need a lot more water” He said, she responded by making a disgusted noise and rolling her eyes.

“This isn’t over dwarf” Cassandra spat, leaving to get more water for their inebriated Herald.

“It never is” he sighed shaking his head. “Take care of yourself Butterfly, see you in the morning” he smiled at her and then followed the others in to the cold night. Cullen looked back at Evee who was looking at him expectantly- she wanted an answer to her question. He made a deal with her, he would answer all her questions so long as she drank all of the water he gave her. Cassandra swiftly returned with a jug of icy cold liquid, and deciding that Cullen had things under control she returned to her own quarters in the chantry. Cullen, after all, had much more experience dealing with drunken recruits.

The next morning Evee couldn’t remember all the details of the conversation- just that she has asked him if he had taken any vows of celibacy. She had a horrible feeling she had winked as she had asked and he had blushed before ending the conversation and her line of questioning. She put her hand to her slightly aching head and looked around the cabin, littered with empty bottles and half full tankards. On the table at the end of her bed was a jug of water with a note

_Drink up Evee, it will help – Cullen_

Instead she decided to hide under her covers a little longer.


	7. Rain and Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The constant rain has dampened the spirits of Evee and her companions, a conversation by the camp fire brings some extra understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of the result of some free writing. I was having difficulty pinning down the relationship between these two, I think mutual curiosity could be the start of a beautiful friendship!

Varric and Cassandra grumbled, the dwarf complained about becoming mouldy in the constant damp of the Storm Coast and although Cassandra didn’t really say anything a series of thoroughly disgusted noises let everyone know of her displeasure. They had only been here for a few days, and in truth they had been productive at the very least, they had gained the services of the Iron Bull and his chargers and had avenged the deaths of the Inquisitions men by defeating the rogue leader of the Hessarian Swords, conscripting the remainder of the group to their cause in the process. Now they traipsed through the soaked landscape on the trail of the Wardens, closing rifts and gathering treasures as they went. Had they been almost anywhere else in Thedas these past few days would probably have almost been considered good, however the constant onslaught of rain dampened the groups spirits as well as the ground that squelched unpleasantly beneath their feet.

Evee had of course made things worse; when her companions had wanted to stop for the night at the small camp on the water’s edge she had insisted that they continue on to the their main camp. She knew it had been selfish. She knew that even though the coast itself was relatively small the weather made even short journeys feel ten times longer, and this journey was one that the others saw as unnecessary. How could they know that the thought of camping so close to the edge of the water chilled her more than any amount of rain. She shuddered at the thought- but in this weather they would never know why. So Varric and Cassandra grumbled and she let them, knowing they had every right to do so, and hoping that they would forgive her once they were dry. Solas, in contrast, didn’t make a sound. As always he stood at her side, occasionally throwing curious looks her way, she didn’t mind so long as he continued to stand between her a the Waking Sea.

At camp everyone was strangely quiet. They called this place Storms Solitude, and it did offer some relief from the constant onslaught of rain, surrounded by tall rocky hills it was sheltered from the worst of the weather, and the tall trees that grew around provided an added layer of protection, a magical barrier provided by Solas stopped the remainder of drops of rain and kept them dry as they gathered round the fire with their ram broth. They ate their meal mostly in silence, a very short, mostly grunted, conversation decided that they would leave for Haven again tomorrow. Once their bowls were empty both Varric and Cassandra left for their tents; Varric wordlessly throwing a skin of particularly strong (and possibly illegal) mead to Evee as he went, something to help her sleep. Evee stayed by the fire, she was exhausted but she knew that sleep would be difficult to come by- despite all of the aids she had gathered to help her. She watched the fire and listened to it crackle. She had always found something soothing about watching a fire, seeing the flames dance and the wood beneath glow and split. She wondered a little at the irony of Andraste’s Herald finding such serenity at the pyre. She was almost entirely lost in watching the flames when she became aware of a tickle at the back of her neck that told her she was being watched. With a small sigh she looked up and met Solas' stormy blue eyes.

They watched each other wordlessly for a moment before a sudden itch across the palm of her hand drew her attention, the lurid green mark flared for a second before returning to its gentle pulsing. She ran a finger across it, inevitably leading her thoughts to the Conclave and to the Breach.

“Solas may I ask you something?”

“Of course Herald, what would you know?” his gaze was steady, and his voice measured- she knew he would give little of himself away until he had decided what he truly made of the human in front of him.

“What would you do? If you had to choose who to ally with to close the Breach would you choose the mages or the Templars?” She watched as his ever calm demeanour slipped for just a moment, was he so surprised that she would ask his opinion?

“I do not believe that will be my decision to make” He said calmly, never breaking eye contact. Evee was used to the nobles of the marches attempting to dissect her words and actions, she was used to people trying to figure her out and she recognised it here. His eyes lit with interest, but if he wanted her to give some of herself away then she would expect to learn more of the enigmatic apostate in return.

“I don’t believe it is a decision that anyone should have to make, that it has come to this is tragic- but the decision has to made” She lifted her hand and indicated her mark “This means that I’m involved in making that decision, you have been at my side since this began, I value your opinion and would appreciate your input”

Solas looked thoughtful for a moment, looking away from Evee he focused his gaze on the fire.

“I would ally with the mages. I believe it is the safest way to deal with the Breach and I believe that they deserve our support. They have every right to the freedom denied to them because they were born with a gift most cannot even imagine.”

“And what of the Templars?”

“What of them?”

“Cullen believes that they are just as much denied freedom, leashed to the chantry with Lyrium, faced with the side effects of it and the knowledge that if you put one foot wrong you could be denied it”

“A Templar chooses his fate, a mage does not”

“I’m not so sure. Of course there are those that have less than noble intentions, but there are those who have no other choice. My brother was born to be a Templar, before mother had us his destiny was fixed.”

“Many youngest sons would use the order to grab at powers denied to them through birth order. If your brother was anything like you I believe he must have been somewhat unique”

Silence followed. She became suddenly all too aware of that constant ache in her heart, the pain of James’ absence was constant, but at that moment it felt all consuming. She looked in to the fire and felt it burn within her.

“Innocent people have died, innocent mages, innocent Templars and more importantly just ordinary people who are trying to get by. Neither side is innocent in this Solas; both mages and Templars are equally at fault.”

“And what would you do about that Herald?”

“What can I do? The way things are... the way they _were_ ; it didn’t work. We need to find a solution, something that _will_ work and I believe we need both mages and Templars for that”

“Ah if only it were so simple”

“There will always be mages, and I believe they deserve the chance to prove that they are not all abominations. Fear breeds contempt. I also believe the Templars need to return to their original purpose- to protect.”

“If only more were like our Commander and Seeker” Solas said with a small smile

“If only more mages were like you” Evee responded. It was true, there was something about Solas, his confidence and his calm. It was almost infectious. Evee had a great deal of respect for the mage and truly believed that if more were like him there would be less need for the Templars to act with such aggression. Granted her knowledge of mages was limited, she had only visited her brother John at the circle once and she knew little of Lady Vivienne who had recently joined their Inquisition, but something about Solas _felt_ different. Was it that he didn’t seem as afraid? That he didn’t seem to posture for power? He considered her for a moment.

“Tell me Herald, what path do you believe you will chose?”

“I’m unsure Solas. Although I don’t believe I will have the luxury of indecision for much longer” she said with a small sigh.

“Well what is it you wish to achieve?” he asked, eyes burning with curiosity.

“I want the people of Thedas to feel safe again”

“A worthy goal” he smiled at her.

They returned to silence, Evee looked up towards the sky and realised that for just a moment the rain seemed to have stopped, she could see stars for the first time since arriving here. Solas stood up, making a small gesture with his hand he dissipated the barrier that surrounded them.

“We should attempt to get some rest. Goodnight” He said, nodding his head slightly. She stood too, stretching out her arms and feeling the tension across her shoulder blades.

“Thank you”

“What for Herald?”

“For taking the time to talk to me” He turned and looked at her again, a smile playing at the corner at his mouth, he seemed surprised that she would thank him.

“It was a pleasure Herald”

“I appreciate it none the less. Your wisdom and knowledge are an asset to the Inquisition, and I enjoy your company” Evee said, she held her head high- every inch the noble woman regardless of her still slightly weather wearied look.

“You flatter me Herald” Solas replied, she watched as his mask of calm and confidence slipped back in to place, covering over his surprise.

“Everything at the moment is happening so fast, a world in turmoil. I’m glad to have people around me that I can trust” his eyes narrowed slightly at her words, she noticed it but didn’t understand it. Then he smiled at her.

“I am here whenever you need me Herald”

“Goodnight Solas.” And with that she turned and resigned herself to a restless sleep.


	8. Trouble sleeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another cold night in Haven, but it seems that Evee isn't the only one who can't sleep!

The night was cold, it always was nestled at the feet of the Frostback Mountains. Strange then that she found herself drenched in sweat yet again. Her supplies of embrium were running dangerously low after her return from the Mire, and she would soon run out of the small bags of herbs and flowers that kept her nightmares at bay. She had been trying to avoid using them until she had the chance to collect more of the sweet smelling flower from the Hinterlands, but in the time in between she found her sleep becoming increasingly restless; haunted by ghosts of her past and her present. Knowing that sleep would continue to elude her she pulled on a simple white tunic and a pair of cotton trousers, grabbing her bow and wrapping a fur cloak around her shoulders she wondered out in to the cold Haven night.

She was good at avoiding detection, she somehow always had been. It came naturally to her to slip in to shadows and hide, or to make herself so inconspicuous that you may not notice her even if you looked right at her. It had come in useful growing up surrounded by rowdy brothers, and even more so when she got a little older and wanted to escape her mother’s lessons. She was grateful for it now as she slipped through the small village and out towards where the trebuchets were being constructed. She walked round the back of the rocky outcrops and climbed them until she was parallel with the roofs of Adan’s apothecary and Solas’ cabin. From here she could clearly see out across the village as well as the surrounding hills and mountains. She looked up at the Breach and let out a sigh. Soon those who led the Inquisition would make a decision and she would be sent to request the help of the Mages or the Templars, soon she would be able to close the rip in the sky that mimicked the mark on her hand.

That’s when she sensed that someone was watching her. She could feel them close by and wondered how it was that they had been able to get so near without her detecting them sooner. Perhaps she had been so caught up in her thoughts, perhaps she was more tired than she had initially believed. The scent of elfroot and something else, something that reminded her of a summer’s rain, were familiar to her.

“Hello Solas” she said, not turning to look. Although he did not instantly reply she was certain of his presence. She heard him cough slightly before responding.

“Greetings Herald, a late hour to be out alone.” She turned towards him then, he was just below her and concealed in shadows. But of course he was versed at hiding in darkness- he was, in his own words, a very careful apostate. She leapt from her perch, landing in front of him. He rocked slightly on the balls of his bare feet, his hands behind his back. For a moment they watched each other curiously- each a mystery to the other.

“Prisoner, Herald, the chosen one! Just once I wish someone would just call me by my name.” She sighed in mock frustration. It seemed strange that even the people in the Inquisition she considered close didn’t call her by name unless prompted repeatedly. She wondered if many of them really cared that she was more than the title that had been given to her.

“Evee then?” Solas questioned her, she smiled. Yes that was who she was. She even liked the way Solas said it; like an old friend.  

“I couldn’t sleep, I thought to come out and watch the stars, but it seems the breach refuses to let them shine. Could you not sleep either?”

“No, I thought to go for a walk to try and calm my mind, I did not mean to disturb you. These are difficult times and you have been through much. Is this difficulty sleeping new?” Solas asked with a raised eyebrow. They weren’t but she knew that talking about it in too much detail would only lead to questions about the incident that had initially caused them- not something she wanted to discuss at present.

“Unfortunately it isn’t, although it is certainly worse of late. I don’t think the cold helps.” Evee wrapped her arms around herself protectively, the green light that shimmered from her marked hand momentarily lit their surroundings. Solas looked at her expectantly, his sharp eyes always questioning, always looking for more information. “I think I may walk a little, will you join me?”

“It would be a pleasure” he smiled and followed her silent footsteps through Haven and out of its gates.

They walked and talked for a good hour, and it struck Evee that this could be the longest they had ever spoken just the two of them. She had always appreciated his intelligence and wisdom, but he had always seemed somewhat distant- always guarded. Now she was able to see another side of him. The elf had a wicked sense of humour and a quick dry wit. He easily made her laugh and she was surprised at just how at ease she felt around him. It seemed strange to her that they hadn’t spoke at such length before, after all for the short time she had known him she had never travelled anywhere without him by her side. It struck her that for the most part he was happy to let others talk, he watched and only occasionally commented; mostly he responded to questions rather than interjecting on his own. She asked him about the fade and watched him glow at the opportunity to talk about it to such an eager audience, he asked her about her childhood and how she had learned to fire a bow.

When eventually the camp outside Haven came back in to sight Evee found herself saddened that her time with Solas might be coming to a close, she noted then with interest that his pace slowed too, she wondered if he felt the same. As they approached she became increasingly aware of the sounds of groans and sobs, mingled with the occasional inaudible shout. She ducked down slightly as she tried to place the sound.

“Who is that?” Evee turned and looked at Solas, he tilted his head slightly, never taking his eyes from her.

“Have you never heard it before? Our Commander regularly awakens the soldiers. He has been through much and it haunts him still, I expect it always will.” He watched her curiously for a moment, she considered his words and slowly stood straight again.

“Thank you for walking with me tonight Solas, I was glad of your company” She smiled at him and gently touched his arm, he smiled back, a warmness in his eyes that she had never seen there before. With that she turned on her heel and ran towards Haven and to her cabin.

It took her moments, less than that, before she was back outside the village gates. She crept silently along the wall to the Commanders tent. In her hand she held the last of her nightmare remedies. Cullen had always been kind to her and he worked harder than anyone else; he was always the first one up training and the last one to bed, and he deserved to sleep well when he got there. She crouched down at the entrance to his tent and listened to him tossing and turning and it struck her that it would be improper to go in to the tent of the man. She felt heat rising to her cheeks as she realised that he wouldn’t be sleeping in his armour, and that she found that a fascinating idea.

“ _Commander_?” She whispered through the fabric, she heard him get quieter within the tent. Perhaps she had successfully woken him. “Cullen?” she repeated a little louder. This was useless. If she wanted to help she needed to give him these posies, she couldn’t do that if she was out here, taking a deep breath she lifted the heavy fabric at the tents entrance. It was understandably dark and so she lifted her marked hand, bathing the tent in green light. Cullen was still asleep and very much tangled in his sheets.

“Commander” she said, more softly than she had while she was outside the tent. She found her throat dry as she realised just how broad his shoulders really were. She had woken him this time. With a gasp he sat bolt upright, he kept his eyes closed as he frowned, reaching one arm round he rubbed the back of his neck. Evee tried her best not to notice that he definitely didn’t wear a shirt to bed. He opened his eyes and looked at her.

“Trevelyan? You…” His voice caught in his throat and in the pale green light she could see him blush. She assumed he was probably upset she had invaded his tent and his sleep. Suddenly she realised just how foolish it was of her to decide to do this in the middle of the night. She should have waited for the morning.

“I’m sorry Commander Cullen, I was out walking and heard you… I have something that might help.” She kept her eyes fixed on his. She placed the bundle of small bags at the bottom of his bed roll all too aware of the intense heat rising to her cheeks.

“Put it under your pillow, it should help.” She attempted to smile at him and he nodded at her, when he smiled back she felt something unfamiliar in her stomach. Her face felt unfathomably hot and so before he could respond she ducked backwards out of the tent. The cool air against her flushed face made her head spin, she wandered back to Haven in a daze- trying to push the image of the half-dressed Commander from her mind.


	9. Therinfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the choice came down to Evee she had to choose the Templars, the people needed something they could trust and no matter what anyone else believed she knew that there were many good men and woman in their ranks- James, Cullen and Cassandra where evidence enough of that. If there was any hope of finding her brother it was here. Sadly though not all heroes have nothing but happy endings.

She rubbed her temples and shifted the papers on the desk around a little. It wasn’t her desk, it wasn’t her office but she was the one who could help and so she worked tirelessly through the hundreds of names spread across the hundreds of bits of parchment. She had taken it upon herself to sort through the names of the Templars who had survived and those who were lost- their families deserved to know in these uncertain times. She was vaguely aware that someone had been bringing her food, how many times now? She couldn’t remember how long she had been here, hours or days it didn’t matter- the job needed done.

There was a knock at the door but she ignored it, she had too much to do- there were so many Templars and she needed to make sure that all of them were accounted for.

“Lady Trevelyan?”

“Ser Barris” she said, not looking up. He was a good man and a credit to the Templars, but she didn’t have time for him right now. Hopefully he would say his piece and leave quickly.

“My Lady I just wanted to remind you that we have prepared sleeping quarters for you should you require rest”

“Thank you” She responded, moving a piece of parchment to a pile on the floor by her feet.

“And I’m sorry. We all are.”

“What for?” Evee kept her attention firmly fixed on the desk and the papers around her. She didn’t want to look at him. She didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes.

“For your loss my Lady” before she could respond he backed out of the door. She sighed and continued with her task. She couldn’t think about her loss, she had too much to do- the world wouldn’t stop just because of what she had lost. She had to keep going. She had to keep going.

* * *

 

An ink pot fell to the floor as Evee woke with a start. She scorned herself for falling asleep long before she turned her attention to what might have woken her. Still at the desk she found herself surrounded by tumbling sheets of parchment; disturbed by her sudden and abrupt movements. She dragged herself from the chair and began to search underneath the desk for the escaped ink jar, listening to the commotion that was slowly getting closer to her. She wondered if she should stay under the desk to avoid whatever was coming her way, hoping the noise of people talking and footsteps would pass by she rested her head on one of the wooden sides.

“Herald?” a voice she hadn’t been expecting spoke her name softly, despite the force with which she had heard him open the door. She poked her head above the desk to look at the Commander. She watched as his face changed from concern to surprise at the sight of the top of her face emerging from behind the cluttered desk.

“Commander?” her voice came out as a croak.

“We were concerned when you did not return to Haven. I had thought to meet you on the road and escort you back” He took up the whole doorway as he stood tall with his hands behind his back. He was quiet for a moment as Evee pulled herself from the floor and back in to the chair. She dusted herself of and held her head high; had she not appeared so tiny behind the oversized desk she would have looked almost regal. “When I arrived I was… informed of your situation by Blackwall and Ser Barris”

“What situation is that?” she said, refusing to meet his eyes. The way everyone was looking at her made it worse, it was why she had insisted that even Varric leave her alone to complete her task.

“ _Evee_ ” suddenly he wasn’t standing in the doorway, he was on his knees at her side. He gently cupped her face in his hand and examined her features- she looked in his eyes then, she had no choice. She saw exactly what she had been trying to avoid-pity. Like Blackwall and Varric before him worry was etched in to every line on his face, and the sorrow in his eyes was a result of what he saw in hers. A week ago she had been told by Templars who had been at the Conclave that they had relieved James and his patrol from duty, that they had seen her brother return to his tent. When the Temple exploded he had probably been fast asleep, he would have died with the other Templars in that camp, he probably didn’t realise it was happening. It offered Evee little comfort that he would have died quickly; her brave brother always meant to go out fighting. She didn’t want him to be gone.

She had been shut in this room since then, at first Vivienne had assisted her, helped organise the proper ceremonies to honour the dead, but when that was done and she insisted they return to Haven Evee resisted. There was more she could do here. She sifted through paperwork, she had listed all of the Circles who’s Templars were accounted for and all those who were not. She had lists with names of Templars who had gone rogue and those who had lost their lives fighting them. She had lists of those who had been given the red lyrium and worried that it was significantly more than had been here in Therinfall. In one drawer she had a list of every single Templar who had attended the Conclave. If there was one thing she could say for the Templars it was that they remained extremely organised even in the chaos. She wanted to do more here, her brother had given everything for the Templar order, she wanted to give them more too.

Cullen gently ran his calloused thumb across her cheek and then, for the first time, she cried.


	10. The Last Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow she was still alive. She had faced a dragon and whatever the Elder One was and she was still standing. Just about. She isn't sure if the wolves, her injuries or the cold will do it, what she is sure of is that she is dying.

They say that before you go to his side the Maker shows you the deeds of your past, but perhaps that wasn’t always the case. Evee dragged herself through the snow, when she had first set out her body had ached all over from the impact of the fall, she had dislocated her shoulder and every breath caused pain around her lower ribs. The more she walked the less she felt those pains and the more her mind swam with images- not so much of her whole life but of people. She saw people she loved and those she didn’t, she saw people she knew well and she saw the people whose lives she had touched. Evee was dying, the Maker was not showing her _her_ life, He was showing her what she had done in the lives of others.

She saw her family of course, her brothers and her parents- her Great-Aunt Lucille in a ridiculous hat determined to match make her with some noble from Starkhaven. She saw Layna, her nanny and confident- the wonderful Dalish woman who had nursed her and cared for her as if she was her own child. She almost heard her voice calling her Da’len.

One foot in front of the other she could hear wolves howling in to the night.

Images of family faded fast, replaced by images of Haven. She saw her companions; strangers who had become friends. Their faces formed in her vision and she saw them as though they were actually in front of her. She saw Cassandra, harsh and stubborn bearing down on her prisoner and she saw her melt in to someone softer, someone who knew how to smile and laugh- someone filled with passion and not hatred. She saw Solas- cold and distant and curious but now warmer, caring; a friend.

She saw Cullen. One more step and she stumbled. She could swear she could hear singing.

She saw the refugees at the Crossroads, she remembered the pain and hopelessness when she had first arrived and the difference that warm blankets and food had made. Last time she had been there a child had ran to her and she had lifted her up in her arms- they had hope now, they hoped in her, and through the Inquisition they felt safe again.

Somehow she managed to pick herself up, lifted by a song only she could hear. She had first heard it while she had been trapped in herself after she had closed the first rift. It was strong and beautiful and she had heard it many times since, whenever the Chantry was practically empty. Whenever Cullen sang the chant she couldn’t help but stop and listen.

She saw the leader of the Blades of Hessarian, saw the way his people looked at him with disdain and she saw him fall. She remembered the relief on the faces of his men as they pledged their allegiance to her and to the Inquisition. She saw the Avvar- their painted bodies and primitive armour, their swords and arrows coming towards her, determined to prove she was not protected. She saw the relief on the faces of her men when the door swung open and it was her that had walked through.

_“I told you the Herald would come for us”_

Her breaths were shallow as she struggled to take them. Cullen’s song grew louder in her ears.

Leliana, Josephine, Cassandra and Cullen gathered about her. She could hear them arguing around the war table while she watched, unsure why her presence was necessary. She had been almost ignored at first but as time had gone on they had asked her opinion on more and more matters until her voice was equal to anyone else’s there. She saw clearly those moments of triumph when things went their way and she came back with news of success, or the times they listened to the accounts of Leliana’s scouts or Cullen’s recruits and they knew they were doing good in Thedas.

The Maker showed her the night she had heard Cullen in the throes of a nightmare, when she had invaded his tent determined to do what she could to help. Had she had it in her the memory might have made her blush but her blood was ice in her veins. She remembered that for weeks he avoided meeting her eyes or talking to her, the way his face flushed- all too aware she had seen him in a state of undress. He hadn’t _really_ looked at her again until he had arrived at Therinfal, determined to comfort her and bring her back to Haven. She saw clearly the way he had stepped in front of her, sword drawn, to protect her from Cole when he had appeared on the War Room table.

She wasn’t even sure she was still moving now, she couldn’t feel her body at all. Death must be ebbing ever nearer.

She saw Dorian surrounded by slain Venatori, the fear in his face that had struck fear in to her heart. Had she known then she would die soon? She looked around her at the men and woman she had trained with and fought with. She saw Ser Barris and the other Templars draw their weapons with steely determination across their faces. She hoped they had made it. She saw some of her companions gather the people of Haven and run with them to the Chantry while she prepared herself to fight with Solas, Cole and the Iron Bull. The Chargers charged ahead. She saw some people fall and she saw the relief and gratitude of Flissa and Adan and others as she helped them and led them back to the Chantry. Cullen’s face again. He looked frightened and he looked pained. He gritted his teeth as he almost said goodbye but couldn’t. Rodrick. The spark in his eyes when he realised he could help- he could save them. Most of them.

Cullen’s song was all she could hear now, the wolves were entirely drowned out by it. The black splodges that had been appearing in her vision took over. All she could see was the visions the Maker gave her.

Corypheus; monstrous and strange as he loomed over her. She knew the dragon should frighten her more but it didn’t- she sensed she knew where the real threat was. He needed to be stopped. The Inquisition needed to go on without her and stop him from hurting anyone else. They could not let him doom Thedas. She wondered if she was crying, she felt like she should be. She wanted to stay with them, to fight with them. She wanted to win with them. She didn’t want to die.

She tripped on something, a campfire still warm—and that slight warmth burnt her freezing fingers. Everything faded, Cullen’s song turned to a deafening ringing in her ears and the Maker gave her no fresh visions. As all else faded she saw two faces Corypheus and Cullen. They both gave her very different reasons to want to live. They began to disappear. This was it. The end. She didn’t want to die.


	11. Hawkes and Lions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Many things were damaged after the attack on Haven, but Evee had never have expected that some of her most important relationships would be among them. A new friend offers a perspective she hadn't considered as well as a shove to move forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A serious case of writers block and other commitments have meant there had been a huge gap between this and my last chapter! I've edited the previous ones and removed some bits that I didn't think really added anything to the story and I think I'm a bit happier with it all in general now. I'm still not too sure about this chapter but after taking some time away from DA:I to revisit Hawke it struck me that she would be the little whirlwind that could get the story moving again.

The magic of the old elves must have been stronger than she had ever dared to imagine. Just sitting here on her balcony at Skyhold proved that. Her castle hid itself in the cold and unforgiving Frostback Mountains and yet somehow during the day it was always warm in and around her keep. It never failed to fascinate her that she could be staring out across ice-covered peaks and frozen valleys and all the while enjoy the temperatures of a spring day. She wondered who must have lived here and imagined a powerful elven mage with long dark hair and a kind smile. Next to her were a pile of reports from Leliana and Josephine as well as more information on Crestwood. She was going there to meet Hawke’s contact in the Wardens tomorrow but something about some of the scouts accounts made her think that more would be required once she arrived. They say the land had been cursed, first by the blight and now by the restless spirits of those who had drowned; whose bodies still lay under water. She stopped herself from thinking about Old Crestwood and the flood that had happened a decade ago. She had already been having nightmares about dams being damaged and inescapable torrents rushing towards her.

“Evee, are you up here?”

“I’m out here Hawke” Evee responded, getting to her feet and collecting the papers gathered around her. She went in to her room where the Champion of Kirkwall was making herself comfortable by sprawling out on the couch.

Evee was still awestruck by her. She had met a small number of Fereldan refugees who had escaped from the blight in Ostwick and had been inspired by the courage of each of them, that Hawke had gone on to have such an impact after the hardships she had already experienced was nothing short of incredible. The woman who had protected the city from a Qunari invasion by meeting the Arishok in single combat, the woman who had fought off slavers and gangs and Crows. The woman who had been there and fought side by side with the mages as the mad Meredith marched to invoke the right of tranquillity on her sister and all the other mages in the Gallows. Evee had read the Tale of the Champion practically in a single sitting, dreaming of such adventures and romance; although of course stories of her had reached Ostwick long before Varric’s book did. Had she not met the woman maybe she wouldn’t have believed everything, but in her presence you could feel it, that this woman could do anything, and she had already done more than most.

Evee arranged the papers on her desk, all too aware that one of her heroes was watching her with a keen eye. Hawke instantly treated her like she was one of her oldest friends and when you were with her her quick wit and wicked humour had a way of putting you at ease, but Evee was still at least a little overwhelmed by every encounter they had.

“All caught up on your homework in time for tomorrow?” Hawke asked with a cat like grin.

“Almost, I think I have another council meeting before we leave in the morning though. You?”

“Yes, I’ll be riding ahead to meet my contact so have to leave at dawn. Tonight however its drinks in the tavern with Varric. Your welcome to join us of course, if you can keep up” She winked mischievously as Evee sat down on her bed with a laugh.

“There is no way I could keep up!” it was true, what could floor her was just the beginning for Varric, she had learned that in Haven. “Besides I’m not sure Varric would want me there” she said failing to mask her frustration.

So much had changed since Haven, much of which was expected but not all of it. That some of those she had become closest to would pull away from her so much was definitely in the latter category. Blackwall was the most recent, after a strange talk on the ramparts where she had innocently expressed her gladness that he had survived he had responded with a confession of attraction and a comment that it could never happen. She had been too embarrassed to tell him he had misunderstood but knew that it was best to give him the distance he requested. Varric had been much earlier, in the mountains. He looked at her like a stranger and when he did speak to her it was with all the coldness of formality. Gone were the days where he would call her butterfly and throw her a wine sack, or sit and teach her to play card games while telling her tales of drunken nights in taverns. It broke her heart.

“It’s not your fault. Varric has seen a lot, and he blames himself for most of it. He adores you Evee, you just have to speak to him for five minutes to see that, but the things you’ve done, the things you can do… it’s a lot to take in and with Corypheus pulling the strings and the red lyrium, he thinks everything that’s happened to you, all those impossible things, are his fault. He’ll come around”

Hawke spoke with a reassuring smile. She spent most of her time being sarcastic, but that sarcasm was intertwined with a kindness you couldn’t help be drawn to. Evee smiled back at her, hoping and praying what she said was true. Hopefully the trip to Crestwood would help. She didn’t blame him for anything and maybe if he knew that and understood that things could go back to the way they were.

“Have you spoken to Cullen?” Hawke said, standing and beginning to wander around the room, picking up random items and examining them a little too nonchalantly.

“No. I expect he’s busy”

Evee felt her face flush. Cullen. The very memory of his voice had given her the strength to drag her broken body from the brink of death and up a mountain. When she had locked herself away with grief at Therinfall he had been the only one that could get through to her and convince her it was time to return to Haven. Whenever she had felt lost he had had a way of finding her and somehow making things better. The world they lived in now was strange and dangerous but he had been the hand she had needed to support her through it. Then somewhere in the mountains all of that was lost.

Other than a few strained encounters he mostly ignored her now; or at least that was how it had seemed at first. Someone was responsible for making sure the herbalists kept large stocks of Evee’s own nightmare remedy; someone was responsible for making sure her family were informed of what was going on and making sure protection was available for them if required; someone had had special training arrows with a purple fletching commissioned; someone was responsible for the shipments of her favourite mead to the tavern and someone had made sure that a lute was in her room. In fact Evee had noticed a number of small things around the castle done for her wellbeing or enjoyment and when she tried to find who was behind them she was almost always pointed towards the Commander of her troops. He did so much for her and yet every time he looked at her she could see the pain it caused him. She didn’t know what she had done but she wished she knew how to apologise for it.

“Always working that one; he’s been that way as long as I’ve known him. It’s because he cares so much I think.” Hawke sniffed the flowers on Evee’s desk and then laughed “He makes Bethany seem lapsed sometimes, I’ve never known anyone more devout. She says he sings beautifully when he thinks no one is listening”

“She’s right” Evee said with a smile. She thought of all the times she had snuck in to the chantry when Haven had all but gone to sleep to find him there, eyes closed singing the Chant.

Hawke came and sat down next to Evee, holding a rose she had pulled from the bouquet. She spun it in her fingers and looked at it intently, sadness crossing her face for just a moment.

“Fenris used to smuggle roses just like this in to my room. He would never admit to being romantic but he was… he is.” It was the first time she had mentioned Fenris without being prompted. She had chosen the distance between them but Evee knew she hated it.

“Your spy master believes he has been making efforts to track my movements. I left him for his own safety, because I thought it was what was best. I never even asked him what he wanted- but it wouldn’t be this.” She sighed and then looked up at Evee. Her eyes serious, she frowned slightly considering her next words.

“Sometime people do that Evee, push people they care for away because they are worried their feelings could cause the other pain in the long run, because they believe they’re not worthy of the others affections and sometimes because they just can’t bring themselves to believe someone could love them back. Do you understand?” Hawke asked, staring at Evee with a heavy intensity. Evee didn’t know how to tell her that she didn’t.

A knock at the door saved Evee from having to answer. An uncharacteristically nervous Varric entered her room.

“Hawke, Inquisitor.” He said shifting from one foot to the other.

“Oh come on Varric, office hours are over; no need to be so formal” Hawke said with a wink as she stood up. The seriousness of moments ago fell from Hawke and once again she seemed light, it was strange to Evee that she could change so quickly, maybe that’s what years of having to be strong taught you to do.

“Are you ready to show Skyhold how we do things in Kirkwall?” He asked his friend with a smile.

“You bet!” Hawke responded. “I’ll catch up with you” she said, shooing the dwarf from the room.

Hawke looked at the rose still in her hand with a soft smile before handing it to Evee.

“Think about it, you’ll figure it out; or maybe someone else will in which case I’ll send him to get you. You’re joining us for drinks tonight either way” and with that she danced from the room leaving only the impact of her words.

Evee inhaled the sweet scent of the rose and tried to imagine the Fenris from Varric’s stories being romantic, it struck her he would be romantic in the same way Cassandra was- with a fierce passion as well as softness. She wondered on Hawke’s words, pushing someone away for their protection as well as your own, and considered the pain she saw in Hawke when she talked about it. She tidied up the things that Hawke had moved on her desk and put the rose back in its vase. She felt like she almost knew exactly what Hawke was trying to tell her but she was too frightened to believe it in case it wasn’t true. She had only just started to become aware of her own feelings when Cullen’s cold shoulder had prevented her from exploring them, and she hated how it had made her feel.

She picked up her lute, the lute Cullen had sourced from somewhere in the Marches and had put in her room. She wondered if Hawke thought it was a romantic gesture like Fenris and his roses. No; this was just a Commander going above his duties. Then she thought of little things she had done. Mostly small and mostly insignificant but a few grander things too; the horse in the stables that had been gifted to the Inquisition that she insisted go to Cullen or the chess board she had had put in the garden because Dorian had mentioned that Cullen played. Where her own motivations purely that of an Inquisitor rewarding a loyal Commander? If so why did she not do things like that for Josie and Leliana?

She knew. Of course she knew but knowing didn’t help. He’d made a choice, just as Hawke had and like Fenris she was left behind with no say in the matter. She strummed the strings of her instrument and considered playing, but music took more passion than she could muster right now so instead she went back to reading her reports to keep her mind off things. She had managed to get through a fair amount when she became aware of some considerable ruckus that eventually led to the door of her quarters being flung open.

“Butterfly!” Varric called as he came up the stairs.

“Hey Evee I’ve brought you a present!” Hawke said with a wicked smile. Dorian and Bull followed next; Dorian rushing to her side and tutting at her for working too hard as he pulled her up. The smell of alcohol filled the air and made Evee’s eyes sting.

“What have you been drinking?” she asked laughing at them as they giggled and looked expectantly at the stairs. Eventually with a tut Hawke went back down.

“Something not normally found outside of Seheron” boomed Bull. Well that explained it.

“Get up those stairs or I’ll go and get Cassandra, you know she’s just been dying to make you do this and stop your brooding.” Hawke’s voice carried and caused another round of laughter from those gathered in her room.

“It’s about time someone did” Dorian said, rolling his eyes. He had his arm linked with Evee now, making her stand in the middle of the room awkwardly. Hawke remerged up the stair case with a triumphant smile. Cullen followed, rubbing the back of his neck and staring at the floor.

“Inquisitor, I’m sorry for this invasion of your privacy. They are very drunk and they insisted.” Cullen’s words were met with a series of boos.

“It’s alright Commander” she said, having to steady Dorian who she now realised was clinging on to her as much for balance as anything else.

“No. That’s not what you’re supposed to say” Hawke said, giving him a gentle shove and almost falling in the process.

“Thank you for the chess board.” He said, steadying Hawke.

“NO!” Hawke shouted before Evee could respond. Cullen sighed and shook his head.

“I’m sorry I’ve been… preoccupied of late. I would like to invite you to join us for drinks.” he bowed slightly and the room erupted with cheers.

“Possibly something different to whatever got your friends in such a state so quickly” he continued with a smirk. She smiled back and for the first time in a long time there was no pain in his eyes as he looked at her, and she breathed a sigh of relief. 

"I'll drink to that" she replied.

The unruly party started to file out of her room, discussing which drinks to try next and whether a card game was a good idea or not. For just a moment Cullen and Evee were left alone; he wordlessly offered her his arm and she took it as they descended the stairs. Before they caught up with the others Evee stopped, if she didn't ask now she would spend the entirety of her time in Crestwood wondering.

"Is this because Hawke made you?" She asked, hiding behind her crimson hair too afraid to look at him. He was silent and she could feel heat rising to her cheeks. a gentle hand lifted her chin and she met his eyes, he looked at her for a moment and then smiled.

"She is rather.. persuasive" he said with a laugh "but no. I've not had anything to drink either if that helps ease your mind."

"Why?" she asked. She had thought of how she would ask him why he had become so distant so many times; in her mind she had always been more eloquent but in the moment all the words she had planned fell away.

"Because Hawke is right. I was trying not be selfish but my decision to do that was selfish in itself, you were hurt and that is unforgivable"

He still held her chin gently in his hand, softly and absent mindedly stroking her face with his thumb as he looked down in to her eyes, he seemed to be closer now.

"Selfish?" she asked, her voice almost a whisper. She looked at his lips, he was smiling again and nearer than before.

"Keep up you two!" Came Varric's voice from across the hall. They leapt apart, both blushing ferociously. The moment was lost.

They weren't alone again before she left for Crestwood but as he wished her and her companions goodbye he kissed her hand and told her to return safely and soon.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Cullen One Shot](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4068592) by [Twiggzy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twiggzy/pseuds/Twiggzy)




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